Post by Bobbi on Jul 28, 2022 18:28:42 GMT -5
Memories + Truth
I can do this.
You can, and not because Murra could have. You can, because I can see it in you: you want something better. You want to be better.
The caves of Jurai were distant, the sound of the Jedi students that found the forest world to be their new home was not even a thrum of background noise. All that lingered around her was the sound of the forest and the animals that lived there.
The rest was silence.
The rest belonged to a world within.
She had retreated outward beyond the cave system for just a walk through the woods, for some time to expand her mind through the world around her. It was safety in solitude, it was peaceful, and it was needed.
Darien worried that it was her missing Antor, that it was the Bufftons that kept her up at night. She hadn’t had the heart to tell him just yet what the true cause of it was. There was a man in her dreams, one she couldn’t see. One she couldn’t touch. He was always there, just beyond reach, just beyond sight. But his presence was unmistakable. It breathed with the world around her, it filled every ounce of her awareness with a familiarity that could not be shaken.
She should have known him. She would have known him, perhaps, if she were able to see his face. His name always lingered just at the tip of her tongue when she felt him near but could not speak it. The form of that singular word held no definition. The feeling of it existed and that was all.
It was that feeling, that presence that kept her quiet about the sensation. How could she define something like that well enough for it to be useful in any way? How could she give color to something that she both recognized, and yet didn’t?
Those were the thoughts on her mind as she found herself stepping into a small clearing with a few boulders splashed between the trees, sunken deep into the earth of Jurai’s surface.
Kabel picked one, and took a running leap. The bounding had her landing on top of the largest, and more flat of them. Within moments she had herself settled down on it, and shut her eyes.
That half recognized presence was focused on, she let the memory of it come alive for her mind. He was there, eager to be heard.
"You cannot re-write the past, and you may never forgive yourself for what you've done. But what is the true crime - lying in wait for the day of salvation to come when it never will, or putting your past behind you and fixing what you've done by never doing it again? Here you are now, wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt. You think you are not a Jedi because you have broken the vows which you have created. Nothing has or ever will be perfect, and a Jedi is no exception. You have not failed, dammit! You're here for no one other than yourself when the very code you wish to restore in your own mind tells you to put the lives of others before your own. You could be righting all your wrongs now, but you choose to sit here, just as, in the past, you chose to disobey the way of the Jedi."
Those words. She felt herself tighten up, her shoulders pulling back and her chin rising as they came to her through The Force.
Every day was some sort of struggle. Every waking hour holding some sort of reminder of where she’d been. Some days were lighter than others, and some were so oppressive that she felt she were being crushed by a moon. What she’d had a hand in, what she had failed to do, and what she had given up to get there -- What she had changed just to survive, just to have the chance at hopefully finding a way. But no. It had grabbed a hold of her and dragged her down deeper and deeper until she didn’t recognize the woman she wanted herself to be. And what was left of that woman now?
Her hands balled into fists against her knees and she breathed out shakily, a soft “mmm” noise falling to the forest around her causing deep vibrations within her chest.
She could hate herself easily for what she had done. She did. At least for a while. The pain she had been put through had been a pain she had shoveled off onto others, one that she spread around because of her anger. Because of her desperation and shame. She had done it all because she had failed to see a way out. How cloudy her mind had become, how dark and shadowed her world had been in that loss of herself.
If she sat and focused long enough, she could still feel the place within her that was touched by Father, she could still feel the thriving pulse of her anger and hatred toward Maltez Buffton. If she sat and focused, Kabel could feel the repulsion toward herself for allowing it all to happen.
She had given up everything for that life, for the life that was suddenly at her fingertips. She let them take and take and take, and she gave and gave and gave. She cut off pieces of herself, shaving them away and breaking herself down for them.
Remembering how that had felt, how hopeless it had been, brought her to lean forward over herself. Her clenched hands were pressed down against her legs as the tears fell because it still hurt. It always would.
“I know what is inside you, I know what you are capable of. I fought with you before and I was scared inside, but were I to fight you now, I don't know if I would break a sweat, anymore. You were powerful... Now you are crumbling...I can feel it, I can feel you…."
But that voice was right, the one she heard in her head just now. Those moments of suffering, of pain inflicted and received, they didn’t have to define who she was. That did not have to be the extent of her existence.
If she wanted to be a Jedi, all she had to do was act. All she had to do was decide that this was what she wanted, and all those past transgressions could be pulled and morphed into something better.
But it would be a hard road. How could she possibly bring herself to that now, after everything that had been? After everything she’d done? After everything that had been done to her?
Kabel’s hands unclenched and spread against the fabric of her pants, her palms pressing down as a quiet sob filled the small clearing.
"Do you not see what it is I am saying to you? Yes, you have made wrong choices. Yes, at this moment in time, you are not worthy of the title of Jedi Master! But you're going to give up, and make your existance worth nothing because you think there's no reason to go on? You think that you've failed so horribly that you cannot pick up the pieces of your life? You're a human before anything, and a damn Corellian to boot! Forget about what a Jedi is for a moment! You can't just throw in the towel when you face a little or even loads of hardship, because THAT is what is weak. Triumphs aren't made by never failing, they're made by getting back up with the will to go on. If you do not have that will, if you no longer possess it in you, then I am right. I have found my Truth and you are no longer necessary to me. But if you want to be a human...if you want to be Corellian, or if you want to be what a Jedi means, then you must show me that I'm wrong. You must gather what you have left and continue along the path. If not, then at least submit to me so that I may have at least one pupil worthy of being called a Sith."
“No,” Her sob turned into a breathy word, one let go so harshly, so solidly as she straightened and shook her head. She would not give in. That feeling of failure was grabbed a hold of and shoved down tight. There was no failure if she kept going. She would not allow herself to fall under the sway of that poison again.
It. Would. Not. Own. Her. Soul.
She had given too much up to it already. It had taken too much of her life so as it was. It wasn’t going to feed on her for the rest of her days. Kabel wasn’t going to let it.
"I know that you have in you the capacity to see this. All these things must take a toll on you everyday. For me, perhaps, that would be a desirable thing, making me stronger not only in will, but in the Force. However, for you to understand that these things are a part of life, and to understand that you must have a clear mind in order to get what you want to happen…you must see past your hatred…”
He was right. It did take its toll. Every day it clung to her in some way, every day it threatened to drag her down just a little bit more.
To have a chance at anything else, to have a chance at building and repairing -- to have a chance at simply living, of being a parent for Nole and Nova, she had to let it go.
For the galaxy, she had to let it all go.
Her shoulders rose with her chest as she took a deep breath in, and then slowly released every ounce of tension within her shoulders.
The path to healing was a long one, and there would be many steps along the way. She knew she may get lost here or there, but somehow she had a feeling that when she needed it that voice would be hovering just at the edge of her awareness to help guide her onward.
Today would be the first day of the rest of her life.
"It is time, Miss Tekal."
At that, Kabel breathed out. Her eyes opened and she simply....smirked.
I can do this.
You can, and not because Murra could have. You can, because I can see it in you: you want something better. You want to be better.
The caves of Jurai were distant, the sound of the Jedi students that found the forest world to be their new home was not even a thrum of background noise. All that lingered around her was the sound of the forest and the animals that lived there.
The rest was silence.
The rest belonged to a world within.
She had retreated outward beyond the cave system for just a walk through the woods, for some time to expand her mind through the world around her. It was safety in solitude, it was peaceful, and it was needed.
Darien worried that it was her missing Antor, that it was the Bufftons that kept her up at night. She hadn’t had the heart to tell him just yet what the true cause of it was. There was a man in her dreams, one she couldn’t see. One she couldn’t touch. He was always there, just beyond reach, just beyond sight. But his presence was unmistakable. It breathed with the world around her, it filled every ounce of her awareness with a familiarity that could not be shaken.
She should have known him. She would have known him, perhaps, if she were able to see his face. His name always lingered just at the tip of her tongue when she felt him near but could not speak it. The form of that singular word held no definition. The feeling of it existed and that was all.
It was that feeling, that presence that kept her quiet about the sensation. How could she define something like that well enough for it to be useful in any way? How could she give color to something that she both recognized, and yet didn’t?
Those were the thoughts on her mind as she found herself stepping into a small clearing with a few boulders splashed between the trees, sunken deep into the earth of Jurai’s surface.
Kabel picked one, and took a running leap. The bounding had her landing on top of the largest, and more flat of them. Within moments she had herself settled down on it, and shut her eyes.
That half recognized presence was focused on, she let the memory of it come alive for her mind. He was there, eager to be heard.
"You cannot re-write the past, and you may never forgive yourself for what you've done. But what is the true crime - lying in wait for the day of salvation to come when it never will, or putting your past behind you and fixing what you've done by never doing it again? Here you are now, wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt. You think you are not a Jedi because you have broken the vows which you have created. Nothing has or ever will be perfect, and a Jedi is no exception. You have not failed, dammit! You're here for no one other than yourself when the very code you wish to restore in your own mind tells you to put the lives of others before your own. You could be righting all your wrongs now, but you choose to sit here, just as, in the past, you chose to disobey the way of the Jedi."
Those words. She felt herself tighten up, her shoulders pulling back and her chin rising as they came to her through The Force.
Every day was some sort of struggle. Every waking hour holding some sort of reminder of where she’d been. Some days were lighter than others, and some were so oppressive that she felt she were being crushed by a moon. What she’d had a hand in, what she had failed to do, and what she had given up to get there -- What she had changed just to survive, just to have the chance at hopefully finding a way. But no. It had grabbed a hold of her and dragged her down deeper and deeper until she didn’t recognize the woman she wanted herself to be. And what was left of that woman now?
Her hands balled into fists against her knees and she breathed out shakily, a soft “mmm” noise falling to the forest around her causing deep vibrations within her chest.
She could hate herself easily for what she had done. She did. At least for a while. The pain she had been put through had been a pain she had shoveled off onto others, one that she spread around because of her anger. Because of her desperation and shame. She had done it all because she had failed to see a way out. How cloudy her mind had become, how dark and shadowed her world had been in that loss of herself.
If she sat and focused long enough, she could still feel the place within her that was touched by Father, she could still feel the thriving pulse of her anger and hatred toward Maltez Buffton. If she sat and focused, Kabel could feel the repulsion toward herself for allowing it all to happen.
She had given up everything for that life, for the life that was suddenly at her fingertips. She let them take and take and take, and she gave and gave and gave. She cut off pieces of herself, shaving them away and breaking herself down for them.
Remembering how that had felt, how hopeless it had been, brought her to lean forward over herself. Her clenched hands were pressed down against her legs as the tears fell because it still hurt. It always would.
“I know what is inside you, I know what you are capable of. I fought with you before and I was scared inside, but were I to fight you now, I don't know if I would break a sweat, anymore. You were powerful... Now you are crumbling...I can feel it, I can feel you…."
But that voice was right, the one she heard in her head just now. Those moments of suffering, of pain inflicted and received, they didn’t have to define who she was. That did not have to be the extent of her existence.
If she wanted to be a Jedi, all she had to do was act. All she had to do was decide that this was what she wanted, and all those past transgressions could be pulled and morphed into something better.
But it would be a hard road. How could she possibly bring herself to that now, after everything that had been? After everything she’d done? After everything that had been done to her?
Kabel’s hands unclenched and spread against the fabric of her pants, her palms pressing down as a quiet sob filled the small clearing.
"Do you not see what it is I am saying to you? Yes, you have made wrong choices. Yes, at this moment in time, you are not worthy of the title of Jedi Master! But you're going to give up, and make your existance worth nothing because you think there's no reason to go on? You think that you've failed so horribly that you cannot pick up the pieces of your life? You're a human before anything, and a damn Corellian to boot! Forget about what a Jedi is for a moment! You can't just throw in the towel when you face a little or even loads of hardship, because THAT is what is weak. Triumphs aren't made by never failing, they're made by getting back up with the will to go on. If you do not have that will, if you no longer possess it in you, then I am right. I have found my Truth and you are no longer necessary to me. But if you want to be a human...if you want to be Corellian, or if you want to be what a Jedi means, then you must show me that I'm wrong. You must gather what you have left and continue along the path. If not, then at least submit to me so that I may have at least one pupil worthy of being called a Sith."
“No,” Her sob turned into a breathy word, one let go so harshly, so solidly as she straightened and shook her head. She would not give in. That feeling of failure was grabbed a hold of and shoved down tight. There was no failure if she kept going. She would not allow herself to fall under the sway of that poison again.
It. Would. Not. Own. Her. Soul.
She had given too much up to it already. It had taken too much of her life so as it was. It wasn’t going to feed on her for the rest of her days. Kabel wasn’t going to let it.
"I know that you have in you the capacity to see this. All these things must take a toll on you everyday. For me, perhaps, that would be a desirable thing, making me stronger not only in will, but in the Force. However, for you to understand that these things are a part of life, and to understand that you must have a clear mind in order to get what you want to happen…you must see past your hatred…”
He was right. It did take its toll. Every day it clung to her in some way, every day it threatened to drag her down just a little bit more.
To have a chance at anything else, to have a chance at building and repairing -- to have a chance at simply living, of being a parent for Nole and Nova, she had to let it go.
For the galaxy, she had to let it all go.
Her shoulders rose with her chest as she took a deep breath in, and then slowly released every ounce of tension within her shoulders.
The path to healing was a long one, and there would be many steps along the way. She knew she may get lost here or there, but somehow she had a feeling that when she needed it that voice would be hovering just at the edge of her awareness to help guide her onward.
Today would be the first day of the rest of her life.
"It is time, Miss Tekal."
At that, Kabel breathed out. Her eyes opened and she simply....smirked.
