Post by Marshall on Apr 5, 2019 13:32:19 GMT -5
Jeryndi wandered off into an area where he'd set up his bedroll the night before... He settled down and with a gesture, invited Ava to sit down with him... "I have a long history with the Force and the Order... And I'm glad if you don't know much of it. It is long and complicated."
"I believe I know enough." Ava replied. "Though the details are not necessary, I think."
He nodded thoughtfully. "I was... Really close to Solomon... We went through Trials together... I'm not the Healer I was, but if anything proven to me today was I need to get back into practice."
"What happened with the Dreamer?" She questioned.
"Well, he was... Fine. Really... His heart rate was slow. As was pulmonary systems. All bodily functions were slowed down more than your average sleep, but not by much... REM and brain activity was through the roof...i didn't try to wake him. There were no wounds, no toxins, no obvious or even subtle reasons for the continued sleep or the stasis."
"What do you mean about his brain activity?" Ava asked. "Could you be more specific?"
"Not really. REM was unusually high. He was dreaming, but I couldn't find him to see it."
Ava nodded only once. "How do you know his REM was high?" She asked. "That it was his alone and not born or influenced by something else?"
"I looked for outside influences, but I didn't find any... But like I said, I'm -very- out of practice... I have not delved this far into the human body since I came back... There may have been and I just didn't see it... But other than dehydration, physically, he's fine." He looked thoughtful as he took a bite of the ration bar and took a sip of water. "I think it's interesting, though-- all the Dreamers are connected... On some level, they are aware of each other."
"There's a lot that's interesting here." Ava murmured softly. "They've been like this for only a week now and... dehydration is the only real thing you've picked up on. I wonder what's sustaining them."
"I don't know, but whatever it is, it is either inexplicable or extremely subtle." He shook his head slightly as he ate more of his ration bar. "If you don't mind my asking-- what are your talents with the Force?" he asked curiously. "I don't think there's such a thing as cookie cutter Jedi."
The veer of the conversation had Ava turning her head to look at him with a quirked brow. This wasn’t the first time she’d been asked a question like that but it always seemed to take her off guard when it happened.
"I don’t really look at it as talents or specialties.” She replied. “I am what I am when I need to be in that time with the Force as my guide.”
Jeryndi gave her a puzzled look. "That... Is a very Jedi thing to say... But I ask because I was trying to think of a, way to play to everyone's strengths."
She laughed at his response and felt her hands turn inwards, gloved thumbs pointing at her chest in an obvious motion.
"I try not to think of them as 'strengths' or 'weaknesses'." She said. "Our connection to the Force and what it allows us to do is much more than a categorization."
"There are things some people simply can't do... So, to me, that's still a very generic point of view... But okay. It'd be nice to know you could do something instead of when the time comes, 'I can try'. That it's an attempt and not always a success is a given in any situation. There are always negating factors... But it would be useful to know what you have the knowhow of.'
"I promise you, Jeryndi," Ava said as her back found support in the rock behind her. "If there is something I don't feel capable of doing... I will let you know."
He watched her for a moment, then nodded. "Alright... Fair enough... I have a question. I think you're the best person to ask in this situation.... Does Solomon trust the Force?"
"I think..." Ava said slowly as she weighed the words of her answer. "That he wants to."
He was quiet for a long while. About thirty seconds of awkward silence. "He is a broken man... He's been dealt a lifetime of injury in a handful of years... As much as I want the cousin I know and love from when I knew him before, I'll probably never get him back."
"You were gone how many years, Jeryndi?"
"Seven. And I understand that I wasn't here... I was dead. And coming back has been a big shock to everyone... Everything has changed. Every -one- has changed. I don't expect anything less. People change with time... But Solomon has become something I can't ever have imagined him becoming. Even under the worst of circumstances... But I was wrong. Everyone has a breaking point."
"What do you see when you look at him?" She asked inquisitively.
"Depends on whether he's talking or not," he said drily. "When he's not talking... I see a broken man under a facade of hardness.... When he -is- talking... I see a bully."
"A bully? How so?"
"He seems to think he's always right and is sarcastic when you argue with him. He thinks he can bludgeon me into doing what he wants. To me, that indicates a behavioral pattern. One that he's learned because of being bullied or because nobody stands up to him. I am not unreasonable about most things... But I'm not willing to be his punching bag just because I don't agree with him."
"If it's not his idea, he doesn't seem to be able to even process it. He gets stuck on what part of an argument is his and does not care to consider the other parts."
"Solomon was thrown into a world filled with chaotic misery and with no way to control it. He was forced to do and watch horrendous things that will follow him to his grave. What came out of that runs deeper than scars."
She breathed.
"He tries to micromanage like Tlin but falls short. I think his need to be right is born from insecurity and the acute fear of messing up. He has no tact what-so-ever when it comes to people - especially the ones he cares about. And he is absolutely at his worst when he's afraid and thrown into the unknown."
Ava looked at him then.
"And right now, no matter what he says or how he acts, he is afraid. It bleeds off of him and he tries to turn that blood into command. It's how he makes himself feel like he has control in an uncontrollable situation."
"I understand that," he said with patience. "But does he? Because all he's done is push me away... I understand that he needs space. I understand that he's hurting more than even i understand and I have seen more than my fair share of hurt... But I can't and won't subject myself to being drawn and quartered just because he doesn't like what I have to say."
"What exactly is it that you want from him, Jeryndi?" She asked. "I know you said you want the cousin that you used to know back... but what does that even mean to you?"
"I want my cousin who had always been there for me when I needed him... Vice versa... He can barely stand to look at me, Ava. I understand that it hurts him to look at me. It shows him what he lost eight years ago... But for whatever reason, I'm back... And it's like I don't even exist."
"What makes you think that?" She asked. "Is it because of the way he talks to you?"
"How about the fact I've been back a year and I've seen him about 4 times? And all of them involved some kind of conflict or another."
"Jeryndi...." Ava said. "That's Solomon. He doesn't make house calls. He doesn't invite people to his home. He doesn't holo. He doesn't call. He keeps to himself until the situation calls that he can't anymore."
"I know," he said softly. "But I can't live that way. I need my family."
"You two have to come to find a boundary that's comfortable for the both of you." Ava suggested. "And that's nothing that's going to happen overnight. I don't even believe it will happen by the end of this journey. It's going to take a lot of time and during that time," She looked at him. "You can't shove him into this. The more you smother him, the more you're pushing him away."
"I'm not trying to smother him... And after this, I'll keep my distance... But that is a two way street. He wants me to respect his wishes to be left alone. Fine. But he's not the only one who was hurting when I came back. And the one person I trusted and needed the most wanted nothing to do with me... So when this all goes downhill, the day he wakes up and realizes I'm not there, there's a reason for that." He shook his head slowly.
"He promised to shoot me, Ava. And meant it... I don't consider that to be any kind of friendly. I'm sure he thinks I'm a terrible parent for letting Medren come this far... For all I know, you do, too. But I am a lead by example kind of person. And I trust in the Force 100%. That was the only thing that got me through the transition of being alive again... I was borderline suicidal. I get reborn, a second chance of life, and I almost wasted it.... Because I had no one. Solomon didn't trust me. Leiyn didn't either. Jin is too old. I was never close to Darien. Wesley is awol. As is Jaysten... And who I have left? My wife? Dead. My children? Mandals. I went through Trials with Solomon... And he was there with me when I died. I don't remember it, though."
"I don't think you understand what you're asking of him. This isn't some old chapter of a holo-book waiting to be finished. You can't pick up right where you left off." Ava sighed.
"Solomon is not the same person he was before. He's been through too much and it's left too deep of a mark on him. But that doesn't mean he's broken. He's just not what you remember. And you have to give time to know one another again. However slow that takes. If you want him back in your life, truly back in your life, then you have to give him time. And you have to let him work this out in his own way."
And then, she added. "He wasn't going to shoot you."
"Yes, he was," he said softly. "It was not an empty threat." He shrugged. "as for other stuff... You think I don't know that?" he asked "I understand what he needs from me. I just don't know how that's gonna work... Because I can't just write someone off like that. It's not that simple to get over."
"What makes you think you're writing him off by giving him space?"
"Because... I have a feeling letting him have all the space he wants will lead to him locking me out completely. And then we'll forget each other."
"It's not." She said as her head shook, trying to assure him. "And he's not going to forget you."
His gaze unfocused on her. More to the left of her staring off into space at no particular thing... "Unless that's what he wants," he said softly. It was a very quiet almost resigned, kind of scoff. "He's a Tekal, Ava... Once they wrap their minds around something, it's stuck and there's no dissuading it."
"It's both a damning and redeeming quality that everyone in our family seems to have. That stubbornness."
"Jeryndi..." Ava said. "If he wanted to forget you, he would have. Give him a little more credit and the space and time he's asked for."
"I believe I know enough." Ava replied. "Though the details are not necessary, I think."
He nodded thoughtfully. "I was... Really close to Solomon... We went through Trials together... I'm not the Healer I was, but if anything proven to me today was I need to get back into practice."
"What happened with the Dreamer?" She questioned.
"Well, he was... Fine. Really... His heart rate was slow. As was pulmonary systems. All bodily functions were slowed down more than your average sleep, but not by much... REM and brain activity was through the roof...i didn't try to wake him. There were no wounds, no toxins, no obvious or even subtle reasons for the continued sleep or the stasis."
"What do you mean about his brain activity?" Ava asked. "Could you be more specific?"
"Not really. REM was unusually high. He was dreaming, but I couldn't find him to see it."
Ava nodded only once. "How do you know his REM was high?" She asked. "That it was his alone and not born or influenced by something else?"
"I looked for outside influences, but I didn't find any... But like I said, I'm -very- out of practice... I have not delved this far into the human body since I came back... There may have been and I just didn't see it... But other than dehydration, physically, he's fine." He looked thoughtful as he took a bite of the ration bar and took a sip of water. "I think it's interesting, though-- all the Dreamers are connected... On some level, they are aware of each other."
"There's a lot that's interesting here." Ava murmured softly. "They've been like this for only a week now and... dehydration is the only real thing you've picked up on. I wonder what's sustaining them."
"I don't know, but whatever it is, it is either inexplicable or extremely subtle." He shook his head slightly as he ate more of his ration bar. "If you don't mind my asking-- what are your talents with the Force?" he asked curiously. "I don't think there's such a thing as cookie cutter Jedi."
The veer of the conversation had Ava turning her head to look at him with a quirked brow. This wasn’t the first time she’d been asked a question like that but it always seemed to take her off guard when it happened.
"I don’t really look at it as talents or specialties.” She replied. “I am what I am when I need to be in that time with the Force as my guide.”
Jeryndi gave her a puzzled look. "That... Is a very Jedi thing to say... But I ask because I was trying to think of a, way to play to everyone's strengths."
She laughed at his response and felt her hands turn inwards, gloved thumbs pointing at her chest in an obvious motion.
"I try not to think of them as 'strengths' or 'weaknesses'." She said. "Our connection to the Force and what it allows us to do is much more than a categorization."
"There are things some people simply can't do... So, to me, that's still a very generic point of view... But okay. It'd be nice to know you could do something instead of when the time comes, 'I can try'. That it's an attempt and not always a success is a given in any situation. There are always negating factors... But it would be useful to know what you have the knowhow of.'
"I promise you, Jeryndi," Ava said as her back found support in the rock behind her. "If there is something I don't feel capable of doing... I will let you know."
He watched her for a moment, then nodded. "Alright... Fair enough... I have a question. I think you're the best person to ask in this situation.... Does Solomon trust the Force?"
"I think..." Ava said slowly as she weighed the words of her answer. "That he wants to."
He was quiet for a long while. About thirty seconds of awkward silence. "He is a broken man... He's been dealt a lifetime of injury in a handful of years... As much as I want the cousin I know and love from when I knew him before, I'll probably never get him back."
"You were gone how many years, Jeryndi?"
"Seven. And I understand that I wasn't here... I was dead. And coming back has been a big shock to everyone... Everything has changed. Every -one- has changed. I don't expect anything less. People change with time... But Solomon has become something I can't ever have imagined him becoming. Even under the worst of circumstances... But I was wrong. Everyone has a breaking point."
"What do you see when you look at him?" She asked inquisitively.
"Depends on whether he's talking or not," he said drily. "When he's not talking... I see a broken man under a facade of hardness.... When he -is- talking... I see a bully."
"A bully? How so?"
"He seems to think he's always right and is sarcastic when you argue with him. He thinks he can bludgeon me into doing what he wants. To me, that indicates a behavioral pattern. One that he's learned because of being bullied or because nobody stands up to him. I am not unreasonable about most things... But I'm not willing to be his punching bag just because I don't agree with him."
"If it's not his idea, he doesn't seem to be able to even process it. He gets stuck on what part of an argument is his and does not care to consider the other parts."
"Solomon was thrown into a world filled with chaotic misery and with no way to control it. He was forced to do and watch horrendous things that will follow him to his grave. What came out of that runs deeper than scars."
She breathed.
"He tries to micromanage like Tlin but falls short. I think his need to be right is born from insecurity and the acute fear of messing up. He has no tact what-so-ever when it comes to people - especially the ones he cares about. And he is absolutely at his worst when he's afraid and thrown into the unknown."
Ava looked at him then.
"And right now, no matter what he says or how he acts, he is afraid. It bleeds off of him and he tries to turn that blood into command. It's how he makes himself feel like he has control in an uncontrollable situation."
"I understand that," he said with patience. "But does he? Because all he's done is push me away... I understand that he needs space. I understand that he's hurting more than even i understand and I have seen more than my fair share of hurt... But I can't and won't subject myself to being drawn and quartered just because he doesn't like what I have to say."
"What exactly is it that you want from him, Jeryndi?" She asked. "I know you said you want the cousin that you used to know back... but what does that even mean to you?"
"I want my cousin who had always been there for me when I needed him... Vice versa... He can barely stand to look at me, Ava. I understand that it hurts him to look at me. It shows him what he lost eight years ago... But for whatever reason, I'm back... And it's like I don't even exist."
"What makes you think that?" She asked. "Is it because of the way he talks to you?"
"How about the fact I've been back a year and I've seen him about 4 times? And all of them involved some kind of conflict or another."
"Jeryndi...." Ava said. "That's Solomon. He doesn't make house calls. He doesn't invite people to his home. He doesn't holo. He doesn't call. He keeps to himself until the situation calls that he can't anymore."
"I know," he said softly. "But I can't live that way. I need my family."
"You two have to come to find a boundary that's comfortable for the both of you." Ava suggested. "And that's nothing that's going to happen overnight. I don't even believe it will happen by the end of this journey. It's going to take a lot of time and during that time," She looked at him. "You can't shove him into this. The more you smother him, the more you're pushing him away."
"I'm not trying to smother him... And after this, I'll keep my distance... But that is a two way street. He wants me to respect his wishes to be left alone. Fine. But he's not the only one who was hurting when I came back. And the one person I trusted and needed the most wanted nothing to do with me... So when this all goes downhill, the day he wakes up and realizes I'm not there, there's a reason for that." He shook his head slowly.
"He promised to shoot me, Ava. And meant it... I don't consider that to be any kind of friendly. I'm sure he thinks I'm a terrible parent for letting Medren come this far... For all I know, you do, too. But I am a lead by example kind of person. And I trust in the Force 100%. That was the only thing that got me through the transition of being alive again... I was borderline suicidal. I get reborn, a second chance of life, and I almost wasted it.... Because I had no one. Solomon didn't trust me. Leiyn didn't either. Jin is too old. I was never close to Darien. Wesley is awol. As is Jaysten... And who I have left? My wife? Dead. My children? Mandals. I went through Trials with Solomon... And he was there with me when I died. I don't remember it, though."
"I don't think you understand what you're asking of him. This isn't some old chapter of a holo-book waiting to be finished. You can't pick up right where you left off." Ava sighed.
"Solomon is not the same person he was before. He's been through too much and it's left too deep of a mark on him. But that doesn't mean he's broken. He's just not what you remember. And you have to give time to know one another again. However slow that takes. If you want him back in your life, truly back in your life, then you have to give him time. And you have to let him work this out in his own way."
And then, she added. "He wasn't going to shoot you."
"Yes, he was," he said softly. "It was not an empty threat." He shrugged. "as for other stuff... You think I don't know that?" he asked "I understand what he needs from me. I just don't know how that's gonna work... Because I can't just write someone off like that. It's not that simple to get over."
"What makes you think you're writing him off by giving him space?"
"Because... I have a feeling letting him have all the space he wants will lead to him locking me out completely. And then we'll forget each other."
"It's not." She said as her head shook, trying to assure him. "And he's not going to forget you."
His gaze unfocused on her. More to the left of her staring off into space at no particular thing... "Unless that's what he wants," he said softly. It was a very quiet almost resigned, kind of scoff. "He's a Tekal, Ava... Once they wrap their minds around something, it's stuck and there's no dissuading it."
"It's both a damning and redeeming quality that everyone in our family seems to have. That stubbornness."
"Jeryndi..." Ava said. "If he wanted to forget you, he would have. Give him a little more credit and the space and time he's asked for."